So today was absolutely gorgeous here in Canberra. The weather has been outstanding - possibly because Her Majesty and His Royal Highness are in town and even Canberra spring knows when it is licked - so it has meant digging out the sunscreen and water bottle. Found the sunscreen after rummaging around under the sink for 10 minutes. The top had that lovely "crust" that sunscreen bottles get after you haven't used them for a while, but I dealt with this by pointing the nozzle down the sink and applying some pressure. My fingers are stronger than I remember, as the crusty plug shot out of the bottle with some force, bounced off the plug hole and lodged in the window flyscreen. Great look.
Today's session with Mistress Pain hot, sunny and possibly has broken my arse. No kettlebells today (which shocked me. It is one of her favourite torture devices) but lots of step ups, TRX squats and a cardio routine she calls "Malcolm". Not sure why it is called that, as Malcolm is a fairly innocuous sounding name. The exercise is nothing near innocuous. Basically you do a burpee, run 10m, do another burpee, run another 10m, another burpee and then run back to the start line and it goes all over again. For 6 minutes at a time. I was very glad I hadn't had a big lunch, as it would have been putting in a high velocity and possibly chunky reappearance. For a "break" we would do TRX squats. fun. Love you, love your work, mistress pain.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Faster than a speeding freaked out person screaming "aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!"
SO hiya readers!
I bet you thought I'd never come back, eh? Well, I am back now. Am exercising and eating healthily and mentally I am in a place which I would pretty much call my happy place. Something comes along every now and then to shake the crazy tree, but I have a pretty firm grip on the branch I am on right now and if it all gets a bit too much, I just climb up or down, out of the way.
I have officially finished therapy and am now in what is called "maintenance". It was one of those weird feelings of part relief, part sadness when my private braincare specialist finally said one day "I don't think there is anything more we can achieve in our sessions. You are as well as I think I am going to see you". It was strange to hear the words I had been longing for - I was and wasn't ready for them. On an intellectual level I knew I was really doing well but on an emotional level it was kind of like breaking up with your boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he was not my boyfriend, but he had become a constant in my life and suddenly it wasn't going to be there. He actually "weaned" me off being reliant on a shrink, which was weird. I was worried I had become addicted to therapy, but he was confident I could make it. He does this with all of his long term patients so he knows that they are going to be more or less ok on their own. I haven't seen him for 4 months now and have been going really well. Very anxious for the first 3 weeks but now am scooting along very happily on my own.
The good news is that my foot problem also got a firm diagnosis. I had fractured my TMT joint in my left foot and although the bones healed well, the cartilage in the joint was completely rooted. The pain I get now is the result of bone grinding on bone, which tends to tickle a bit. This means no more running or high impact for me, probably EVER. There are plenty of other exercises I can do, so I am concentrating on them. Let's just say kettle bells and push ups have become my friends. Ever since my podiatrist got me into MBT shoes, I am now also able to walk up to around 10km at a time, so the cardio is also going well.
I bet you are wondering about the title of my post. Well, those of you who have read my blog before are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Mt Ainslie. Well now that my foot is better i have started walking up there again and on Monday I got some extra motivation to do it extra fast. A farking great brown snake came out across the path at me and I took off so fast I bet it looked like one of those loony tunes cartoons where the shadow stays in place as the person runs off. I reckon I did a time over 400m that would have made Usain Bolt proud and my feet hit the ground maybe 8 times in that 400m. I also made some high pitched, not-very-brave sounds that got the attention of a few of the other walkers on the mountain. I think I meant to say "gosh, everyone take care, there is a brown snake on the path" It came out sounding like "farking phoooo phaaa snicky snack snack". I'm sure they got the general idea.
Who says motivation can't find you??
I bet you thought I'd never come back, eh? Well, I am back now. Am exercising and eating healthily and mentally I am in a place which I would pretty much call my happy place. Something comes along every now and then to shake the crazy tree, but I have a pretty firm grip on the branch I am on right now and if it all gets a bit too much, I just climb up or down, out of the way.
I have officially finished therapy and am now in what is called "maintenance". It was one of those weird feelings of part relief, part sadness when my private braincare specialist finally said one day "I don't think there is anything more we can achieve in our sessions. You are as well as I think I am going to see you". It was strange to hear the words I had been longing for - I was and wasn't ready for them. On an intellectual level I knew I was really doing well but on an emotional level it was kind of like breaking up with your boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he was not my boyfriend, but he had become a constant in my life and suddenly it wasn't going to be there. He actually "weaned" me off being reliant on a shrink, which was weird. I was worried I had become addicted to therapy, but he was confident I could make it. He does this with all of his long term patients so he knows that they are going to be more or less ok on their own. I haven't seen him for 4 months now and have been going really well. Very anxious for the first 3 weeks but now am scooting along very happily on my own.
The good news is that my foot problem also got a firm diagnosis. I had fractured my TMT joint in my left foot and although the bones healed well, the cartilage in the joint was completely rooted. The pain I get now is the result of bone grinding on bone, which tends to tickle a bit. This means no more running or high impact for me, probably EVER. There are plenty of other exercises I can do, so I am concentrating on them. Let's just say kettle bells and push ups have become my friends. Ever since my podiatrist got me into MBT shoes, I am now also able to walk up to around 10km at a time, so the cardio is also going well.
I bet you are wondering about the title of my post. Well, those of you who have read my blog before are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Mt Ainslie. Well now that my foot is better i have started walking up there again and on Monday I got some extra motivation to do it extra fast. A farking great brown snake came out across the path at me and I took off so fast I bet it looked like one of those loony tunes cartoons where the shadow stays in place as the person runs off. I reckon I did a time over 400m that would have made Usain Bolt proud and my feet hit the ground maybe 8 times in that 400m. I also made some high pitched, not-very-brave sounds that got the attention of a few of the other walkers on the mountain. I think I meant to say "gosh, everyone take care, there is a brown snake on the path" It came out sounding like "farking phoooo phaaa snicky snack snack". I'm sure they got the general idea.
Who says motivation can't find you??
Monday, July 11, 2011
The worst 10%
Ok this is a bit heavy and the first thing I want to say is I am a LOT better since I wrote what is about to follow. It was part of my work I was doing with my shrink about changing my perceptions of myself and how I thought of myself. I had an exercise called (surprise) "the worst 10 percent". This is where I had to write down the absolute worst I felt about myself. I have aslo thrown in some of the good stuff, just so people don't think I am about to go an jump off something high. Not the case at all. I am a lot further along than I was - it's just where I was at that time was a bit nasty.
This is a tough one for me and something I have been working on, by myself and with my shrink, for the last 6 months. I have broken it down into "the good and the bad"
The good - I have come to realise that a vice or belief is only as strong as I let it be. God, if it was only the simple, eh? it sounds simple and in a way it is. Finding and then continuing to have the strength, resolve and courage to change and challenge them is what scares the cr*p out of me. Seriously. Bit by bit, day by day and sometimes hour by hour, I have built up my emotional armour so I can fight when I need to, walk away when it's the right thing to do and learn how to shield myself from my own destructive habits. Like the shampoo, doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen. Most of the time. Which is a butt load more often than it used to be. I have also learned that throwing my hands up in the air does not achieve much except making me temporarily taller. Doesn't mean I DON'T do it, but the big change now is that afterwards I go "ok, tantrum over, back to it". Most of the time. I say that a lot these days. And I am slowly becomming ok with it. Instead of I MUST BE AN INSTANT SUCCESS IN EVERYTHING I ATTEMPT, it is ok if what achieve is "most of the time". Negative thinking and talk was one of my big vices and MAN it has been hard to give up. Harder than any food.
The bad - This is a bit ugly and raw around the edges. there is also a bit of swearing. Just letting you know in advance so I don't shock the pants off you or anything. I would fight like a demon for my husband, children and family to protect them but what have I done to protect myself? From the bad thoughts, the self hate, the destructive habits and the emotional pain? I have lashed myself mentally for almost as long as I can remember, hated the way I looked and as a result, fulfilled my own farking fat prophecy. Even when I was slim and healthy (75kg, running every day etc) I HATED myself. TRULY HATED. there were times when I would lie in bed and think I was not worth the oxygen I used. Days where I would lash myself into a state of such strong self loathing I couldn't even walk past glass windows for fear of seeing my disgusting, reviled reflection. It figuratively and literally paralysed me. And where did this hatred come from? NOWHERE. I wish i could tell you i had a crap childhood but I didn't - I had a great childhood, an upbringing anyone would want and I could not find better people than those who are my family and friends. I wish i could tell you I had massive, traumatic events happen to me but I didn't - no more than anyone else has in their life. My life is freaken AWESOME. And guess what? I didn't think I deserved to be happy!! I didn't think I DESERVED health and the benefits of a healthy body. For me food IS NOT reward - it is PUNISHMENT. I stuffed food of all kinds down my throat to punish myself.
Let me try to explain - I have a very dear friend who is a self harmer. By this I mean that at times she will be so overwhelmed by her emotional pain that she will pick up a knife and literally cut herself. This shocked the sh*t out of me and I couldn't understand it. At all. Until about 8 months ago I said something about it to my shrink and he just replied "well, isn't that what you do to your body with food? You tell me you get no real - only fleeting - pleasure from it and all it does is make you feel worse. You are cutting with food". I nearly fell on the floor. And then denied it. It is only recently (last 5 months) that I have come to realise that yep, that's pretty much it. I was self harming with food I had such a low opinion of myself that I was putting food into my body that I knew was all wrong. And why? Because I felt I should PUNISH my body and myself. No good reason. It was just something I did. I say did because I am further along now and most times can resist, but not always. This is what the hatred does - my feelings of self hate were so strong that it ended up manifesting itself in the form of self punishment. Not pretty. And farking hard to deal with. I am making progress but the good news is I have more good days than bad. Food is now something I enjoy and (on the whole) it is much easier to feel positive. Not everyday. But most days. I would say that the times where I find myself literally crouched in a corner, stuffing 2 minute noodles or KFC chips down my throat at a rate that would make a perosn sick and feeling sh*t house are now down to about 3 a month. It used to be 4 days a week, so that is good progress.
in conclusion, the good news is I am a lot better than I was, especially mentally. Giving up my negative thoughts and emotions vices has been tough and doesn't always work. but that's ok. I am the one that gave them power - I can also choose to take that power away.
This is a tough one for me and something I have been working on, by myself and with my shrink, for the last 6 months. I have broken it down into "the good and the bad"
The good - I have come to realise that a vice or belief is only as strong as I let it be. God, if it was only the simple, eh? it sounds simple and in a way it is. Finding and then continuing to have the strength, resolve and courage to change and challenge them is what scares the cr*p out of me. Seriously. Bit by bit, day by day and sometimes hour by hour, I have built up my emotional armour so I can fight when I need to, walk away when it's the right thing to do and learn how to shield myself from my own destructive habits. Like the shampoo, doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen. Most of the time. Which is a butt load more often than it used to be. I have also learned that throwing my hands up in the air does not achieve much except making me temporarily taller. Doesn't mean I DON'T do it, but the big change now is that afterwards I go "ok, tantrum over, back to it". Most of the time. I say that a lot these days. And I am slowly becomming ok with it. Instead of I MUST BE AN INSTANT SUCCESS IN EVERYTHING I ATTEMPT, it is ok if what achieve is "most of the time". Negative thinking and talk was one of my big vices and MAN it has been hard to give up. Harder than any food.
The bad - This is a bit ugly and raw around the edges. there is also a bit of swearing. Just letting you know in advance so I don't shock the pants off you or anything. I would fight like a demon for my husband, children and family to protect them but what have I done to protect myself? From the bad thoughts, the self hate, the destructive habits and the emotional pain? I have lashed myself mentally for almost as long as I can remember, hated the way I looked and as a result, fulfilled my own farking fat prophecy. Even when I was slim and healthy (75kg, running every day etc) I HATED myself. TRULY HATED. there were times when I would lie in bed and think I was not worth the oxygen I used. Days where I would lash myself into a state of such strong self loathing I couldn't even walk past glass windows for fear of seeing my disgusting, reviled reflection. It figuratively and literally paralysed me. And where did this hatred come from? NOWHERE. I wish i could tell you i had a crap childhood but I didn't - I had a great childhood, an upbringing anyone would want and I could not find better people than those who are my family and friends. I wish i could tell you I had massive, traumatic events happen to me but I didn't - no more than anyone else has in their life. My life is freaken AWESOME. And guess what? I didn't think I deserved to be happy!! I didn't think I DESERVED health and the benefits of a healthy body. For me food IS NOT reward - it is PUNISHMENT. I stuffed food of all kinds down my throat to punish myself.
Let me try to explain - I have a very dear friend who is a self harmer. By this I mean that at times she will be so overwhelmed by her emotional pain that she will pick up a knife and literally cut herself. This shocked the sh*t out of me and I couldn't understand it. At all. Until about 8 months ago I said something about it to my shrink and he just replied "well, isn't that what you do to your body with food? You tell me you get no real - only fleeting - pleasure from it and all it does is make you feel worse. You are cutting with food". I nearly fell on the floor. And then denied it. It is only recently (last 5 months) that I have come to realise that yep, that's pretty much it. I was self harming with food I had such a low opinion of myself that I was putting food into my body that I knew was all wrong. And why? Because I felt I should PUNISH my body and myself. No good reason. It was just something I did. I say did because I am further along now and most times can resist, but not always. This is what the hatred does - my feelings of self hate were so strong that it ended up manifesting itself in the form of self punishment. Not pretty. And farking hard to deal with. I am making progress but the good news is I have more good days than bad. Food is now something I enjoy and (on the whole) it is much easier to feel positive. Not everyday. But most days. I would say that the times where I find myself literally crouched in a corner, stuffing 2 minute noodles or KFC chips down my throat at a rate that would make a perosn sick and feeling sh*t house are now down to about 3 a month. It used to be 4 days a week, so that is good progress.
in conclusion, the good news is I am a lot better than I was, especially mentally. Giving up my negative thoughts and emotions vices has been tough and doesn't always work. but that's ok. I am the one that gave them power - I can also choose to take that power away.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
something old, something new...
So I've been off on a rather rocky journey the last few years. A few things haven't changed but I've got more information :
I am still in therapy and taking anti depressants. My Dr tried to wean me off them twice and let's just say it didn't go well. So long term drugs could be what I am facing, which to be honest is something I don't have too much of a drama with. I've been taking medication for epilepsy since I was 14, so chucking pills down my throat doesn't flip me out all that much.
I have been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) with some indicators showing I have tendencies that pre dispose me to depression and addictive behaviours. This is why alcohol is not a great thing for me - I do tend to self medicate with alcohol when I am not coping but all this does is stuff me up and to be honest, just makes me feel like crap. It also doesn't help me when it comes to weight loss, so it's on the "treat with respect and caution" list.
A few extra things have happened in the past few years and I'll blog about them so you can catch up but let's just say it's been good and bad and a whole pile of more or less normal. I have not lost any more weight but not put too much on (am currently 127kg) and have joined a group on facebook who are really supportive. I did balloon out to 139.9kg last November, which scared the shit out of me and got me moving again, but it's been a slow process. More about that later.
I'd better dash - one of the kids is having a meltdown in the lounge room and it sounds like someone might be about to die. That or a ferret has jammed its tail in a door.
I am still in therapy and taking anti depressants. My Dr tried to wean me off them twice and let's just say it didn't go well. So long term drugs could be what I am facing, which to be honest is something I don't have too much of a drama with. I've been taking medication for epilepsy since I was 14, so chucking pills down my throat doesn't flip me out all that much.
I have been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) with some indicators showing I have tendencies that pre dispose me to depression and addictive behaviours. This is why alcohol is not a great thing for me - I do tend to self medicate with alcohol when I am not coping but all this does is stuff me up and to be honest, just makes me feel like crap. It also doesn't help me when it comes to weight loss, so it's on the "treat with respect and caution" list.
A few extra things have happened in the past few years and I'll blog about them so you can catch up but let's just say it's been good and bad and a whole pile of more or less normal. I have not lost any more weight but not put too much on (am currently 127kg) and have joined a group on facebook who are really supportive. I did balloon out to 139.9kg last November, which scared the shit out of me and got me moving again, but it's been a slow process. More about that later.
I'd better dash - one of the kids is having a meltdown in the lounge room and it sounds like someone might be about to die. That or a ferret has jammed its tail in a door.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Back after a few years off
So, after a few years off on some weird kind of fat generating sabbatical, I've decided to return to the crazy tree. I find it a comfort really. I have been blogging somewhere else (I know, I am a blog harlot) but that has finished now and also the tree is so much more comforting. Lots more branches to swing from. Stay tuned - I plan to blog at least once or twice a week
Em
Em
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