exercise etiquette

You may have noticed in your travels that there books and magazine articles dedicated to a wide range of etiquette on a whole range of subjects, including mobile phones, how to be a good wife, how to find a bloke (including one of my personal favourites, a book called "Dial a man : How to recognise and lure the man of your dreams until he captures you forever" by Rosalind Neville. Before everyone starts laughing and wondering at these bygone ideas, it was written in 1990. It also has the glorious Library of Congress Subject heading of "mate selection") I have identified a hole in the market. Where are the books on the correct etiquette for exercising? Now, I know there are some articles drifting around on correct gym behaviour - although I have admit to being concerned that people needed to be told NOT to spit on the floor when working out in a gym - but what I am talking about here are the fundamentals. I really think that when you are being shown around your gym on your introduction tour, more should be done than just pointing to the rules on the wall and letting people know they shouldn't spit (this is a generally good rule when inside). Here are a few quandaries that have presented themselves to me on my quest for health and fitness (all those who are offended by references to body functions should turn away now. Or at least spit):

1. Farting - I have checked out a few gyms now and nowhere are there any guidelines on what etiquette should be followed when you have a build up of gas in the gut that really, reeeeeally needs out. If you are outside on a run or something, you tend to have a chance to get away with it, but in a gym this can pose a serious dilemma. I also go to an all women's gym and there is the added pressure (ha ha) in the old belief that GIRLS DO NOT FART. EVER. Brace yourself everyone - they do. They just aren't overwhelmed with the urge to have you pull their finger when they need to do it or set fire to it. Exercise tends to get everything churned up, circulation going etc so it is logical that some kind of gas action in inevitable. Now, we all know that farts tend to fall into 2 broad categories - those which stink and those that are really loud. If you are running on a treadmill or sitting on a exercise bike, your chances of loud are pretty high, as your butt cheeks are either already slapping together or compressed onto the seat. Bike seat is particularly bad - it sounds like a duck in a blender. Stink is also bad. So, you are faced with the ultimate decision - do you leap off the treadmill/bike/rowing machine and make for the relative safety of the changeroom or do you take the risk? If you take the 'risk it" option and it is a stinky one, you could actually kill someone on the treadmill behind you. A word of advice : if you are a risk taker, work on your "who did THAT???" face. Also, if you are a "run for the changeroom person" make sure that muscle control is tip top, or otherwise all you will do is "spread the joy" as you gallop past the rows of exercise bikes, treadmills and gym patrons who are all horrified because SOMEONE FARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Spitting - now, no one should EVER spit when they are inside a gym. Gross and also presents a real slip hazard for anyone else. As a mum of 3 kids, I have had to deal with more body fluids than I ever thought possible. I am willing to deal with my kids' poo, wee and spit (plus other revolting stuff) as I love them. This does not mean I LIKED IT. I do not love any of my gym buddies that much, so spitting inside is, in my books, baaaaaaaaaad. When outside though, what is the solution? Some people are spitters, others aren't. I know the non-spitters have some real problems with the spitting camp, which is fair enough. Having been the recipient of a stray spit when out running with a friend once, I can appreciate that having someone gob on you is not considered one of life's highlights (DON"T WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IS WHAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT!!!!). On the other side, there is nothing worse than the feeling that there is a whole lot of saliva building up in your mouth with nowhere to go. I know, I can hear you saying "just swallow it". No way. Already feel sick enough and if I have the choice, saliva without vomit is the way to go when needing to get stuff out of your mouth. I have managed to get the spitting thing worked out pretty well, so here is what works for me. (1) Always make sure you get rid of it before it has built up to roughly the size of the Hoover dam catchment. For some reason, once you get past a certain amount of spit, it develops the consistency of melted mozzarella cheese and your chances of wearing it or smearing it across your face and clothes are pretty high. Very sexy look "I just spat on myself". That could be the title of the next big song from any one of the starlets currently in rehab. (2) If you have someone with you, make sure they are well out of the way, preferably upwind. Nothing puts you off your stride faster than having to take part in the game of "dodge to golly". (3) If you live in a colder climate (like I do) don't spit ON the path. Treading in spit is bad enough, landing on your arse because you have SLIPPED in FROZEN spit is one of the all time lows when out for your daily constitutional.

3. Underpants retrieval - I am not talking about tracking them down after a fun night out on the town. I have alluded to this before in the blog – when you have a generously sized bottom (or not, as some of my slimmer girlfriends have complained about this), your knickers can have the habit of going on safari into the Land of Darkness, otherwise known as in between your butt cheeks. Again, if you are out and about, this can be dealt with relative ease, you just need to do a quick modesty check before extracting offending underwear. A word of caution though – be sure you’ve scouted the surroundings properly. My grandmother got caught out once when the elastic in her undies snapped when she was in town. Another woman, who recognised her dilemma, offered to hold her coat out whilst my grandmother “took care of things” in a convenient doorway. It was not until she had removed her knickers that she realised that she was standing in front of a GLASS door to a café and had just given the punters inside an unexpected treat. Keep in mind this was the late 1940s – even today I reckon this would be a “die a thousand deaths” moment. So, what to do when in the gym and trying to deal with the wedgie from hell? Some people have no problems with this – they just hoik the offending fabric out and keep on going. More power to them. Others are a little more self conscious and endure the agony of fabric compressing into a space it was never designed for until the chaffing just becomes to much and they mince their way to the loo where offending underwear is extracted with tweezers. The etiquette on this is unclear and on the whole, I reckon most people would agree it’s important to be comfortable when exercising. The problem is, some of us are a little modest and don’t want to offend anyone by seeming to be playing with our own bottom in public. Perhaps we should all be given a sign to hold up as an early warning device, so people can look away or up at the ceiling so modesty is maintained and no one thinks you are a pervy. And DON’T send me advice on wearing a G-string. I am a size 18-20 for god’s sake – I would need a cave rescue team to come and extract the bloody thing.