It's a hot wind that blows no good

It is the middle of winter here, but there have been a number of discussions on hot breezes at our house lately that have taken our minds off the winter chill. On Friday Grace sat me down and said she had a question it wanted answered and she wasn't sure if I could help. Wondering is this was the prelude to "the talk" that every parent dreads having with their child, I cast my eye over the bookshelf to see if "Where did I come from" was anywhere nearby. With her next words, I realised that this was something far more difficult to answer - she turned her big blue eyes on me and said "Mum, why is it that when you do a fluffy and it feels really, really hot, it always smells bad?" Oh holy jesus, give me the sex question any day. Firstly, a Friday afternoon fart discussion was not high on my agenda and second, I actually had no idea on the answer and did not want to enter the search term "hot fart" on google while my kid was watching (or ever, for that matter).

My sons wandered in and once they worked out the subject of conversation, well, it was a riot in at our place. The words "bum" and "fart" were shouted numerous times as they rolled around laughing on the floor. This was accompanied by "sound effects" and me trying to keep a straight face and explain to Grace that I had no idea and try to work out why she wanted to know. Apparently one of the kids on her table let slip an absolute cracker today and when the other kids all were choking, he explained that he had had "a hot fart, the ones that always smell bad". Cool - it would seem that biology was on the agenda for school that day and I have to say, there's nothing like prac to make sure that the message gets through. I wasn't really able to answer grace's question, but I think I might send it in to Dr. Karl on JJJ for his morning segment - surely it rates up there with belly button fluff.

The questions people just don't ask - until now

Whilst on the quest to lose weight, get fit, save the world from hunger and fathoming why they make hipsters aka "low rise" jeans in sizes above 10, there are times when I have to answer various questions. Mot of them I pose to myself, you know, along the lines of "why is there air?", "why does rain fall down and not up?" and "Why does that guy think that me being able to see his jeans hanging around his crotch and his Pepe le Pew boxer shorts is a turn on?", sometimes I have to answer questions that people actually pose to me. I got some absolute rippers a few weeks ago and thought I'd put them (and my replies up here) so no one else as to answer them. Now, I realise that when you have a friend that is obese, you want o help them and make sure that they are ok. I also realise that there are questions that you may want to ask but know you never should. Now, thanks to a person who I work with that has no idea about social conventions, people's feelings or has not read 'topics NOT to bring up around the tea table" here are some answers that brings new meaning to "chewing the fat".
Q. Do you enjoy being fat?
A. Love it!!!!!!! Wouldn't have it any other way!!!!! There is no greater joy in the world than having your thighs rub together so much that they need two litres of sorbolene on them to ensure that they do not spontaneously combust when you walk. This gets the rating of "Question most likely to get you killed because it is sooooooo stupid". No one likes being fat and anyone who says they do is either delusional or have a very different relationship with their body. This is not fat bashing by the way. It's just the plain truth - carrying extra weight around is about as much fun as having a Brazilian wax done by local butcher's apprentice after he's had a night out on the tiles. You cannot get clothes to fit, you start to dislike or even hate your body because it is socially unacceptable to be fat and it starts to totally dominate your life. None of these are on my "woo hoo, sign me up for double helping of THAT" list.
Q. Why don't fat people just lose weight? It's not that hard.
A. Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for pointing that out!!! My life is changed forever you STUPID NOB!!!!!!!!! The main reason why it is so farking hard to lose weight is that most of the changes you have to make are mental, not physical. The same way changing from being a STUPID NOB to PERSON WHO THINKS BEFORE OPENING MOUTH is so hard - for every unit of physical effort you put in, about 10 units of mental energy have to be used as well. Very hard and let's face it, you to end to have a not so great opinion of yourself when you've stacked on the kilos.
Q. Does being fat ever depress you?
A. Can't you tell I am the most well adjusted, happy, balanced and together person on the planet? All of the little birdies are singing in my garden of happiness and my ocean of calm is a deep, calming blue. Is the sarcasm coming through at all? There are day when the fact that you are fat does not bother you and there are others when it sucks balls. This will, on the odd occasion, get you down.

Hope this has helped answer those questions you may have always wondered about. If you ever want to spark an interesting tea room conversation at work, bring it up with Helga (the lady who looks like she used to do shot put for East Germany) one day over coffee. Only after you have established she can't hurt you. Good luck.