The perfect family car

A friend of mine just got a brand new Mazda 3, which is very nice, black and goes very, very fast. He took me out for a spin in it the other day and was talking about all of the great safety features it had, like side curtain airbags, whoopy do dad braking systems, a steering wheel that doubles as a personal valet etc and I got to thinking about when I come into my fabulous inheritance (I know there is one out there for me, I just haven't found it yet), what type of car would I want? I know that I would march into the car dealers and find out if any car on the market would have the features I am looking for in a family car. They would include:
1) One of those safety screens (like they have in banks that shoot up out of the teller's desk when they are getting robbed) that would activate the second sensors from the back seat pick up that Mr Lamie (pronounced lam-ee) has been launched from a child's hand and is on his way to scare the bejesus out of you as you are cruising down the highway at 100km an hour.
2) Automatic ear protection that kicks in the moment a squabble about who is breathing onto who's "side of the seat" in the back. The level of protection increases as the volume goes up. An optional extra would be a hand that springs out from the back seat and physically separates the warring parties so you don't have to try and drive the car with one hand and discipline children with the other.
3) A compartment that opens up in the floor on the driver's side when afore mentioned Mr Lamie ends his impromptu flying lesson and gets jammed under the accelerator and/or brake pedal. The compartment would just open, scoop up Mr Lamie and allow you to keep driving safely, rather than trying to extricate the GOD DAMN toy with your foot and not run up the back of the car in front of you.
4) A pint sized nanny, who can break up the fights, administer orange segments to hungry children, retrieve dummies that have been chucked on the floor and generally act as enforcer on the trip to the local shops.
Maybe I should give up my life as librarian/computer geek and start a new career as a car engineer.