Ok this is a bit heavy and the first thing I want to say is I am a LOT better since I wrote what is about to follow. It was part of my work I was doing with my shrink about changing my perceptions of myself and how I thought of myself. I had an exercise called (surprise) "the worst 10 percent". This is where I had to write down the absolute worst I felt about myself. I have aslo thrown in some of the good stuff, just so people don't think I am about to go an jump off something high. Not the case at all. I am a lot further along than I was - it's just where I was at that time was a bit nasty.
This is a tough one for me and something I have been working on, by myself and with my shrink, for the last 6 months. I have broken it down into "the good and the bad"
The good - I have come to realise that a vice or belief is only as strong as I let it be. God, if it was only the simple, eh? it sounds simple and in a way it is. Finding and then continuing to have the strength, resolve and courage to change and challenge them is what scares the cr*p out of me. Seriously. Bit by bit, day by day and sometimes hour by hour, I have built up my emotional armour so I can fight when I need to, walk away when it's the right thing to do and learn how to shield myself from my own destructive habits. Like the shampoo, doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen. Most of the time. Which is a butt load more often than it used to be. I have also learned that throwing my hands up in the air does not achieve much except making me temporarily taller. Doesn't mean I DON'T do it, but the big change now is that afterwards I go "ok, tantrum over, back to it". Most of the time. I say that a lot these days. And I am slowly becomming ok with it. Instead of I MUST BE AN INSTANT SUCCESS IN EVERYTHING I ATTEMPT, it is ok if what achieve is "most of the time". Negative thinking and talk was one of my big vices and MAN it has been hard to give up. Harder than any food.
The bad - This is a bit ugly and raw around the edges. there is also a bit of swearing. Just letting you know in advance so I don't shock the pants off you or anything. I would fight like a demon for my husband, children and family to protect them but what have I done to protect myself? From the bad thoughts, the self hate, the destructive habits and the emotional pain? I have lashed myself mentally for almost as long as I can remember, hated the way I looked and as a result, fulfilled my own farking fat prophecy. Even when I was slim and healthy (75kg, running every day etc) I HATED myself. TRULY HATED. there were times when I would lie in bed and think I was not worth the oxygen I used. Days where I would lash myself into a state of such strong self loathing I couldn't even walk past glass windows for fear of seeing my disgusting, reviled reflection. It figuratively and literally paralysed me. And where did this hatred come from? NOWHERE. I wish i could tell you i had a crap childhood but I didn't - I had a great childhood, an upbringing anyone would want and I could not find better people than those who are my family and friends. I wish i could tell you I had massive, traumatic events happen to me but I didn't - no more than anyone else has in their life. My life is freaken AWESOME. And guess what? I didn't think I deserved to be happy!! I didn't think I DESERVED health and the benefits of a healthy body. For me food IS NOT reward - it is PUNISHMENT. I stuffed food of all kinds down my throat to punish myself.
Let me try to explain - I have a very dear friend who is a self harmer. By this I mean that at times she will be so overwhelmed by her emotional pain that she will pick up a knife and literally cut herself. This shocked the sh*t out of me and I couldn't understand it. At all. Until about 8 months ago I said something about it to my shrink and he just replied "well, isn't that what you do to your body with food? You tell me you get no real - only fleeting - pleasure from it and all it does is make you feel worse. You are cutting with food". I nearly fell on the floor. And then denied it. It is only recently (last 5 months) that I have come to realise that yep, that's pretty much it. I was self harming with food I had such a low opinion of myself that I was putting food into my body that I knew was all wrong. And why? Because I felt I should PUNISH my body and myself. No good reason. It was just something I did. I say did because I am further along now and most times can resist, but not always. This is what the hatred does - my feelings of self hate were so strong that it ended up manifesting itself in the form of self punishment. Not pretty. And farking hard to deal with. I am making progress but the good news is I have more good days than bad. Food is now something I enjoy and (on the whole) it is much easier to feel positive. Not everyday. But most days. I would say that the times where I find myself literally crouched in a corner, stuffing 2 minute noodles or KFC chips down my throat at a rate that would make a perosn sick and feeling sh*t house are now down to about 3 a month. It used to be 4 days a week, so that is good progress.
in conclusion, the good news is I am a lot better than I was, especially mentally. Giving up my negative thoughts and emotions vices has been tough and doesn't always work. but that's ok. I am the one that gave them power - I can also choose to take that power away.
