The worst 10%

Ok this is a bit heavy and the first thing I want to say is I am a LOT better since I wrote what is about to follow. It was part of my work I was doing with my shrink about changing my perceptions of myself and how I thought of myself. I had an exercise called (surprise) "the worst 10 percent". This is where I had to write down the absolute worst I felt about myself. I have aslo thrown in some of the good stuff, just so people don't think I am about to go an jump off something high. Not the case at all. I am a lot further along than I was - it's just where I was at that time was a bit nasty.

This is a tough one for me and something I have been working on, by myself and with my shrink, for the last 6 months. I have broken it down into "the good and the bad"


The good - I have come to realise that a vice or belief is only as strong as I let it be. God, if it was only the simple, eh? it sounds simple and in a way it is. Finding and then continuing to have the strength, resolve and courage to change and challenge them is what scares the cr*p out of me. Seriously. Bit by bit, day by day and sometimes hour by hour, I have built up my emotional armour so I can fight when I need to, walk away when it's the right thing to do and learn how to shield myself from my own destructive habits. Like the shampoo, doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen. Most of the time. Which is a butt load more often than it used to be. I have also learned that throwing my hands up in the air does not achieve much except making me temporarily taller. Doesn't mean I DON'T do it, but the big change now is that afterwards I go "ok, tantrum over, back to it". Most of the time. I say that a lot these days. And I am slowly becomming ok with it. Instead of I MUST BE AN INSTANT SUCCESS IN EVERYTHING I ATTEMPT, it is ok if what achieve is "most of the time". Negative thinking and talk was one of my big vices and MAN it has been hard to give up. Harder than any food.



The bad - This is a bit ugly and raw around the edges. there is also a bit of swearing. Just letting you know in advance so I don't shock the pants off you or anything. I would fight like a demon for my husband, children and family to protect them but what have I done to protect myself? From the bad thoughts, the self hate, the destructive habits and the emotional pain? I have lashed myself mentally for almost as long as I can remember, hated the way I looked and as a result, fulfilled my own farking fat prophecy. Even when I was slim and healthy (75kg, running every day etc) I HATED myself. TRULY HATED. there were times when I would lie in bed and think I was not worth the oxygen I used. Days where I would lash myself into a state of such strong self loathing I couldn't even walk past glass windows for fear of seeing my disgusting, reviled reflection. It figuratively and literally paralysed me. And where did this hatred come from? NOWHERE. I wish i could tell you i had a crap childhood but I didn't - I had a great childhood, an upbringing anyone would want and I could not find better people than those who are my family and friends. I wish i could tell you I had massive, traumatic events happen to me but I didn't - no more than anyone else has in their life. My life is freaken AWESOME. And guess what? I didn't think I deserved to be happy!! I didn't think I DESERVED health and the benefits of a healthy body. For me food IS NOT reward - it is PUNISHMENT. I stuffed food of all kinds down my throat to punish myself.

Let me try to explain - I have a very dear friend who is a self harmer. By this I mean that at times she will be so overwhelmed by her emotional pain that she will pick up a knife and literally cut herself. This shocked the sh*t out of me and I couldn't understand it. At all. Until about 8 months ago I said something about it to my shrink and he just replied "well, isn't that what you do to your body with food? You tell me you get no real - only fleeting - pleasure from it and all it does is make you feel worse. You are cutting with food". I nearly fell on the floor. And then denied it. It is only recently (last 5 months) that I have come to realise that yep, that's pretty much it. I was self harming with food I had such a low opinion of myself that I was putting food into my body that I knew was all wrong. And why? Because I felt I should PUNISH my body and myself. No good reason. It was just something I did. I say did because I am further along now and most times can resist, but not always. This is what the hatred does - my feelings of self hate were so strong that it ended up manifesting itself in the form of self punishment. Not pretty. And farking hard to deal with. I am making progress but the good news is I have more good days than bad. Food is now something I enjoy and (on the whole) it is much easier to feel positive. Not everyday. But most days. I would say that the times where I find myself literally crouched in a corner, stuffing 2 minute noodles or KFC chips down my throat at a rate that would make a perosn sick and feeling sh*t house are now down to about 3 a month. It used to be 4 days a week, so that is good progress.



in conclusion, the good news is I am a lot better than I was, especially mentally. Giving up my negative thoughts and emotions vices has been tough and doesn't always work. but that's ok. I am the one that gave them power - I can also choose to take that power away.

something old, something new...

So I've been off on a rather rocky journey the last few years. A few things haven't changed but I've got more information :


I am still in therapy and taking anti depressants. My Dr tried to wean me off them twice and let's just say it didn't go well. So long term drugs could be what I am facing, which to be honest is something I don't have too much of a drama with. I've been taking medication for epilepsy since I was 14, so chucking pills down my throat doesn't flip me out all that much.

I have been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) with some indicators showing I have tendencies that pre dispose me to depression and addictive behaviours. This is why alcohol is not a great thing for me - I do tend to self medicate with alcohol when I am not coping but all this does is stuff me up and to be honest, just makes me feel like crap. It also doesn't help me when it comes to weight loss, so it's on the "treat with respect and caution" list.

A few extra things have happened in the past few years and I'll blog about them so you can catch up but let's just say it's been good and bad and a whole pile of more or less normal. I have not lost any more weight but not put too much on (am currently 127kg) and have joined a group on facebook who are really supportive. I did balloon out to 139.9kg last November, which scared the shit out of me and got me moving again, but it's been a slow process. More about that later.

I'd better dash - one of the kids is having a meltdown in the lounge room and it sounds like someone might be about to die. That or a ferret has jammed its tail in a  door.

Back after a few years off

So, after a few years off on some weird kind of fat generating sabbatical, I've decided to return to the crazy tree. I find it a comfort really. I have been blogging somewhere else (I know, I am a blog harlot) but that has finished now and also the tree is so much more comforting. Lots more branches to swing from. Stay tuned - I plan to blog at least once or twice a week
Em

Another challenge

I bet you all thought I'd died or been mistaken for an illegal immigrant and been locked up, didn't you? Nope, just slack and doing nanna type things like going to bed early or had a gutful of computers (I work on them all day) and wanted to do weird, deviant stuff like read a book or (and this will shock some of you who are addicted to myspace or facebook) TALK to my family and friends. You know - face to face. Freaky.

I have also been nursing wounded pride (and toes) after running at high speed into one of our lounge chairs at William's birthday party in January. Did you know that modern lounges have surprisingly solid bases and as you approach 40, your turning ability and reflexes are not what they could be? Came as a shock to me too. So, now that my toes are no longer black and purple (one or two have healed in interesting positions) I am back to running and working a sweat up at the gym. I am also slowly taking off the weight I put on when I hurt my back, so I can now look down and actually see my toes, which is very exciting. I am also working hard on a plan which involves me only having to do 10 hours work a week and still get a good salary, but to be honest, most of those jobs involve painted on latex, spanking and high heels. To be honest, I have enough trouble with sweat pimples in unfortunate areas (be sure you want to know before you ask where) and latex is just not going to help. And my toes are still too sore for super high heels.

So, as I have obviously been off my meds (not really, still on the happy pills), I have signed up for yet another "challenge" at my gym, which starts in a week or so. I have been put into the "echidna" team, which I think means by the end of my first hard training session I will be a grumpy, prickly, odd looking freak who will curl up into a ball at the first sign of my personal trainer. No different to normal, really. It looks a lot like the one I did 2 years ago (you can read it at the start of this blog) but I reckon this time I will post a list of "things you really need to know before you sign up for something like this". Do you think "Run screaming from the building" would put people off?

Heatstoke and other fun stuff

Now that the new year has come and gone, I have joined the many others at the gym and out pounding the pavements, atoning for the multitude of festive season "sins". Still, really, in my book, I would not see champagne and mince pie consumption so much as a sin as essential survival supplies for getting through the enforced cheerfulness that is Christmas. You all know what I mean - the awful feeling you get when you either feel ambivalent or even a bit depressed (for any reason) and everywhere you go you are faced with messages about how FABULOUS Christmas is and how YOU WILL ENJOY YOURSELF. When faced with the Crisco hamper woman on TV, all I want to do is ring up and ask if they do a latex hamper with extra tinsel and paint on body chocolate.

Anyway, back to post silly season exercise. I am back on the wagon again and so far this week have slogged out for lunchtime walks and some fun at the gym (my PT calls it fun, I call it cruel and unusual). Yesterday I discovered that going for a 4-5km walk in 35 degree heat is not always a great idea. Resulted in my needing a lot of water, a jolly good lie down and some panadol. Always a good way to spend an evening. Also good for weight loss - when nauseated from a touch of the sun, you don't feel like eating much. Still, I think tomorrow I'll do my walk in air conditioned comfort. This must be why gyms, fans and the person who brings around nice, chilled towels were invented. Yay.

Lawks a lordie, it's nearly the end of 2008!!

Well, stuff me, that came around farking quick. I can only think of 5 occurrences where blackout from alcohol consumption can account for lost time, so either I have been abducted by aliens or I well and truly lost track of things. Will stick with the aliens theory for now, as it provides some comfort and excuse for not being at all geared up to usher in 2009. It may also mean that I will get a visit from David Duchovny, who I have had a crush on since I saw in in Twin Peaks all those years ago... sigh.

This has been an interesting year, has it not? I'm not sure about those of you out in blog space, but 2008 has had its share of ups and downs for this crazy tree dweller and I find myself sitting on a slightly lower branch than intended when I started out this year, but I haven't completely fallen out out and landed on the ground with a thump, so life is not completely sucky. On the down side (get the shitty stuff over and done with eh?) : have spent a year with my depression seeming to enjoy the odd sojourn back into my life to smack me around the head a bit, steal my handbag and drink my champagne, which tends to leave me feeling a bit down, roughed up and raw around the edges (what girl wouldn't be without her champagne?). I also managed to have a small slip at work, which resulted in two bulging discs in my lumbar spine. To anyone out there who has done a similar thing, you have my complete sympathy. For a slip that did not even result in a fall on my bott bott, I ended up spending June to November in varying amounts of pain and not being able to do much at all for a few months. This put a serious dent in my exercise regime (and sense of humour) and as a result, nearly all of the weight I had lost has crept back on, with the exception of 5 kg. This is a blow, but shit happens and no point in dwelling on it. Does that sound as though I've convinced myself? Hmm, more positive thinking required.

On the plus side, the kids are going great guns at school and childcare, Tim has just finished his 4th year of teaching, we have attended 2 lovely weddings and as I said earlier, I made up for being down in the dumps by having a few great parties and self medicating with champagne cocktails. I know, all of the health freaks out there just had a sharp intake of breath, tut-tutted me and will be sending me links for AA, but if you could save your time and just stuff your well meaning advice, it will save a whole heap of time and grief. Also, a friend of mine is about to have his first book published (GO GARTH!!!!!!!) and I encourage you all to buy it. Will do a separate blog about it later. The other plus is that I made it back to the gym in the last 2 weeks and today was able to complete 60 minutes of "run 1 minute, walk for 3" on the treadmill. It is back to basics, having to retrain my body in all forms of exercise. Also, having the vision of my exercise physiologist standing next to me saying "switch your core ON! BRACE YOUR CORE!!!!!!" means that no matter what I am doing, my core muscles are working their, um, butt off all of the time. This is very tiring - try it sometime.

So, on with 2009 (hee hee - originally left a zero out there). Hope you all have a great evening tomorrow ushering out the old year. I plan to go to bed early and catch up on sleep. Does this mean I have become and old fart and should I list this in the positives or negatives for 2008? Hmm, where's Mulder?

How to burn those extra calories...

Those of you who are regular readers (thankyou!) are well aware that over the years I have struggled with my weight, gone on and off various diets, exercise regimes etc. You also know that I am recovering from a recent back injury, which put a serious dent in my aim to lose weight and run 10km by Christmas. Now, the weight loss is back on track but the 10km run is unlikely to happen, unless there is the promise of something like a free massage once a week for a year, or the kids set fire to the Christmas tree again. Yes, I KNOW it was an accident, guys, but the memory is still pretty fresh. One I will run towards, the other away as quick as my chubby, pink little legs will carry me.

After getting the all clear from the Dr to resume most activities pre back injury (except running, which is off limits until at least early January), I have been out and about walking at lunchtime, bike riding etc. The walks up Mt Ainslie are at a fairly stately pace at the moment, with me not talking much at all on the ascent (hallelujah! It's a miracle!!!) as I am concentrating pretty hard on not having a coronary, but I know it will get easier. Maybe. One day. I am also riding a fair bit on the old stationary bike. First lesson I learned was that I had lost my "bike seat conditioning" or as I like to call them "buttocks callouses". 1st ride was fine until I got off, when I realised that it felt a lot like how someone (say, Julie Bishop's speech writer) who has been booted up the backside for 45 minutes. More imitations of walking like a duck and involuntary noises when lowering oneself onto the toilet.

I have found a great website though, which answers the questions that EVERYONE asks themselves but you never find in the exercise books. It is how many calories you burn during sex - one of my personal favourites is the use of fudge. Oh yeah, and the trapeze one. Get motivated and, um, enjoy!