Time, life and other distractions

SO much time. Getting distracted has this habit of really getting in the way of things. I rediscovered this long forgotten blog the other day and thought it was time to either delete or start it up again. So not being a fan of getting rid of things I am fond of, it's time to start writing again. Most of you know me and have a good idea of what I've been doing since October 2015, but for those who are curious, I'll catch you up in the next few posts. Let's just say there's been a  bit of action.

In the meantime, to stop from getting tense from anticipation, look at the beautiful photo I've included. Taken by Melvyn Nicholson, a landscape photographer and friend of mine who is in the UK. Most of you will know him for his "fogbow"shot that went viral this year.

I'm BAAAAAAACK

So I walked away from this in 2013. Lots of stuff has happened blah blah blah blah blah.

I am ready to start up again. Hold on to your hats, internet. A whole lot of crazy tree is back!

Anger management

Where to start? Hmmm... well I guess I should face a pretty ugly truth - I have allowed myself to become a person that I actually don't like very much. Angry. Judgemental. Blaming others. Feeling like a victim all of the time. Frustrated. Helpless. This is all adding up to a huge noise - its deafening me. Frightening me. And it is making me behave in ways that are frankly shitty and downright unpleasant. What is even more frightening is that I have also realised how it all started coming unravelled about 4 weeks ago.

What happened 4 weeks ago? I gave up drinking. Completely. And the anxiety levels have been building ever since. Looking back I can see I have been spinning my wheels at an ever increasing rate and my behaviour is rapidly approaching mania. It is farking terrifying. What has been the biggest shock is how much I was using alcohol to cope with these emotions. Or thought I was coping. What I was doing was drinking to a point where I felt nothing. The anger and pain was so much I was desperate to escape. Because 3 months before I had removed another "emotional anaesthetic" - binge eating and over eating. I have very deliberately and systematically been removing my emotional escapes. And for some reason thought that there would be no repercussions.

I think, to be  fair, I should list about what has bought me to a point of such anger and frustration. Actually this anger is building to fury. Which is spilling out - it's almost as if it can no longer be contained. And what is terrifying is that it is being directed at people who really don't deserve it. I hate this. I really do. But I am angry because...
I am watching my poor parents trying to adjust and cope with the repercussions of my dad's strokes. He has developed epilepsy from the scars the strokes have caused and it is still unstable at the moment. I want to fix it and can't.
My son has been horrifically bullied and assaulted by other kids in his year. The fact we had to talk to the police and sexual assault team still makes me want to throw up. I know that the other children who did the bullying need help too but the feeling of horror for my son and anger I feel towards these kids is causing me great stress. And staying "strong" is exhausting me. Yes I am getting help but I can't just block it out
I live with the love of my life who suffers terribly from PTSD. It has been that way since July 2001 and things are much better now. But he still suffers and as a result, so does the rest of the family. Living with this is beyond just "living in the company of the black dog". Because this dog NEVER GOES away. You just learn to live with it. And frankly, it sucks. It's not his fault. It's not any one's fault. But it doesn't stop me wanting to find someone to blame.
I want to be faster, fitter and healthier than I am. It has taken 18 months to go from 145kg to 116kg and yes, it's a great achievement. But it's not fast enough in my eyes. It's not been perfect. I am my own worst saboteur. And I get pissed off with myself. WHY can't I do better, go faster, be everything I want to be? I didn't say it made a lick of sense. It's what it is.

There's lots of other piddly crap too and that's what I focus on. The piddly, insignificant shit takes up the majority of my worrying time and stresses me right out. Because I want to ignore everything else. It's too much. too big. too difficult. And now that I have stripped away everything (very deliberately) that I had to distract myself (food, alcohol) I am standing in what feels like a very scary place with no defences, no shield, no fallback. SO I get angry and attack, lashing out and striking first because I can't run the risk of any more hurt. But all I have ended up doing is alienating those who mean so much to me and developing a (in the words of Mistress Pain) bullshit attitude. And it is bullshit. Everything that's happening and has happened wants me to howl in rage and frustration but in the end that's just more noise. And a shipping container or 6 of emotional baggage which is getting fucking hard to carry around. Anger isn't working. Anger doesn't make me feel better.

So what the fuck do I do now?

Well, admit I have a problem, for starters. This is not how mentally healthy people feel (according to Dr Google, anyway). So it is time to head back to the shrink to work out how best to deal with this emotional shit fight. I need to get this all out and in its place. I need to get this "noise" down to a level where it doesn't drown out all of the good that's around me. Because I know it's there - it just feels like I am observing it rather than taking part. Or even worse I am deliberately holding it away because I don't "deserve" to feel the good stuff. And before you ask, yes I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder years ago and no, I have not suddenly taken myself of my medication.

To those I have attacked, I apologise. I am well aware that does not make everything better. I know it is up to you to decide if you still want to be pissed at me for the way I have been behaving. But I am truly sorry. Fear, anger and a victim mentality has made the worst parts of me come to the surface. And it's ugly. Raw. Disturbing. I am out of adjectives, but you get my drift.

Time to wrap up. I know this has been heavy but I needed to write things down. This is how I let my emotions have a "voice". I think they have wanted to speak for some time, but I kept ignoring them in the hope they would go away.

that was "fun"

now as you know, I have been training with Mistress Pain (aka Oli from HypePT) for a while now and she is a great trainer. She works me hard, kicks me in the bum when I am stuffing around and on the whole really is incredibly patient when it comes to putting up with my whinging and crapping on. Especially when it comes to doing shoulder press (Oli calls it "The exercise you always lose your shit in"). Grumble.

There is really pretty much only one thing where we don't see eye to eye  - maybe two things, but I am not going to talk about our differing opinions on egg white only omelets here. The main thing is this - her idea of the word "fun" and mine are pretty much as polarised as you can go when you are talking in an exercise context. My idea of fun is something like maybe doing an egg and spoon race or perhaps going to lawn bowls where you drink lots and no one gets overly excited about the actual "sport" you are playing. When I bowl up to group training, I am not expecting either of these but I do find it somewhat cruel when Oli announces we are going to have fun. Before I get the chance to whip out the sunscreen or even a spoon, she then chucks approximately 1000kg of weights in the form of barbells onto the oval and my dream of a "fun" exercise session dies a quiet little death as outwardly I smile and mutter something like "awesome. I am sooooo pumped". And this is what we look like at the start of a class - the one looking most happy is Mistress Pain, because she knows EXACTLY what she is about to do to us

The list is long, but here are a few things that have come under the "fun" banner in Oli's workouts

• Burpees - these are not fun, they were invented by some sadistic bastard whose mum either didn't hug him enough or too much. I came to this conclusion because doing burpees as a girl has a whole new level of suck than for boys. Unless they have man boobs. Because let me tell you the slapping noise your boobs can make as they slap down into your stomach was enough once for one person once to turn to me and say "what that your knee cracking?? that sounded really bad!" was waaaaay too mortified to admit the truth. Even if you have a flat stomach, the "girls" jump around in a most unladylike and frankly uncomfortable way. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that they were originally called "boobies" but it got changed to make it sound less rude.
• skipping - seriously???? I am one of the most un-co people I know and skipping just fills me with dread. My sense of balance is terrible and let me tell you, lives are in danger once I am armed with a skipping rope and an instruction to "jump out 50 as hard as you can". I am pretty sure I look like some kind of demented rodeo rider who has lost their horse and instead has decided to use her lasso to whip herself and those around her until sheer exhaustion and being tied up in knots forces her to stop.
• Running - of pretty much any description. My most memorable amount of "fun" that I had was in a fitness test involving "suicide runs" or "malcolms". In Mistress Pain's world, it goes like this - witches hats set out every 10 meters up to 100 meters. Run to first hat, do three squats or pancakes then run back to start line. Then run to second witches hat, do 3 squats, run back to start. Run to third hat etc etc until you have run and back to each of the farking witches hats and back to the start line. As you get back to the start after the witches hat set at 100m, that is 1 lap. I GET TO DO 4!!!!!!!!! some of the really fit people in my group can do this in 16-18 minutes. I take around 26 but I feel like  complete shite the whole time. Plus once I finsihed and promptly threw up - into my pony tail, which had fallen forward over my face. The lovely Nicholas very gallantly offered me some of the water from his bottle to wash it out. So yeah. NOT FUN.

And just in case you were wondering, this is how we looked at the end of the class that day

By the way, Mistress Pain, the lovely Trishy, Jon "call me Austin" and I are off on the Kokoda Challenge. Like us on facebook and please, please, PLEASE sponsor us. I am sure it will be F.U.N.

This is getting serious

So in my last post (no pun intended) I wrote about the Kokoda Challenge and why I am walking it. Well, I sort of did. I burbled on about Sam Worthington with his shirt of a fair bit too. I also said I'd put up the more "serious" reasons why I am doing it. Serious reason #1 I love a challenge and seem to excel at picking ones that end up freaking me right out and causing more than a little stress to those who love me. I'm just that kind of gal. In January 2011 I realised I had to really make some major changes in my life - I was tipping the scales at 144kg and feeling pretty FARKING crap-tacular about myself. So I started the long, slow slog that is losing weight and getting fit in a way that was sustainable and healthy. There were quite a few trips, falls, stumbles, romping around in chips and gravy and general carry on I am not overly proud of along the way, but I am now down to 118kg and am healthier than I can remember being in over 10 years. In Jnaury the lovely Emma McLaren asked if anyone would be interested in doing this walking things called the Kokoda Callenge and of course I went "hell yeah!". Fast forward to now and I have spent the last 5 months doing lots of walking, trying out things like endurance gels (I have puked a lot too), learned how to tape up my feet and experienced the joy that is walking like a cowboy because I thought I didn't need chafing cream for a long walk. Serious reason #2 Like so many people, I had relatives who fought in the Second World War. One who ZI got to know very well was my Great Uncle Ken, who I knew fought in the war and was in North Africa and PNG campaigns. he didn't talk much about it and it was only later, near the end of his life, that I found out what he did. To me he was just UNcle Ken, who had an awesome model railway set and always gave us chocolate when we visited. It turns out news a major general and his "job" on Kokoda was to command the 25th Brigade. It was his decision to withdraw to Imita Ridge and in doing so, gained a strategic advantage over the Japanese advance. I had a chance to talk to him a bit about this and I asked him what it was like ot be in that position. his Answer is one I will keep saying to myself when I get tired on the challenge "You make a commitment, you do it. No matter what". This is a picture of him taken in September, 1942. I am proud of him and those like him, who serve our country today. It is them I will be thinking of as I walk. serious reason #3 Ummmmm. No idea. Seemed like a good idea at the time?

The Kokoda challenge, motivation and Daniel Craig

So, some of you know I am doing the Kokoda Challenge in 7 weeks time (it's ok, that noise you can hear is me freaking out). And some of you have asked some great questions and I thought I'd put some answers up here for you 1) there are 4 people in your team - is it a relay? I WISH!!!! No, the 96km have to be covered by all four of us at the same time. So we will either be best of friends or not by the end of it. I reckon the friendships will be more tested by the distressed donkey noises you begin to make (completely involuntarily of course) after 50km of non stop walking. 2) as there is a 39 hour time limit, will you run part of it? Obviously this question has been asked by people who DON'T know me well. Let's just get something straight - I DON'T RUN. I can get enough of an undulation going when I'm walking. I am a woman of generous proportions, running kind of makes people think they are seeing a motion that closely resembles a lava lamp on PCP. I also really hate how I feel when I run. Giving birth was more fun, mainly because I was given lots of drugs if I wanted them. Morphine may not make running any easier, but it means I don't notice the discomfort as much. There are a FEW things I MAY run for on the challenge (a) if a lion, tiger, Ray Warren or some other scary animal is chasing me. I will run then, but only until I pass someone and then I'll slow down. As the old joke goes, you don't need to outrun a lion, you just need to run faster than the person who's with you ;) (b) if I get word someone is waiting at the next checkpoint with a glass of champers or long island iced tea. Preferably both. You are fairly likely to see me pick up the pace then. (c) I get word that Daniel Craig or Sam Worthington are waiting for me at the next checkpoint. With their shirts off. Waiting to rub my legs. With their shirts off. I can pretty much guarantee a quick jog for that. (d) if Daniel Craig and Sam Worthington are waiting for me at the next checkpoint, with their shirts off, holding champagne AND a long island iced tea and are waiting to rub my legs, I am likely to set a pace that would give Usain Bolt a run for his money. 3) Why are you doing this? BECAUSE I'M LOONY!!!! I'll tell you the real reasons in my next post. Really

More of a POBGPAD than a JFDI kind of gal

I have made no secret that I am doing the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation (12wbt) program. I am on my second round now and enjoy the results I am getting. It is NOT like biggest loser, with me standing on the scales crying every time I drop 500gm or getting voted out of my own house (although that may be up as an option if my PMS keeps getting bad, but that's a WHOLE other post). You can lose huge amounts on 12wbt if you want, but I have found that a slow and steady approach is a better way for me to go rather than the hell for leather, train until you puke (ok, YES, I tend to puke when I train anyway but running and I have NEVER been good friends. Especially after lunch) crazy lose-weight-so-fast-you-leave-fat-droplets-behind-you kind off thing. Soooooooo...
A mantra of sorts on the 12wbt program is JFDI, which means Just Fucking Do it. Ok. Fair enough. That works. Sometimes. But not always. I have had people say it to me and they mean to be encouraging but they have sometimes, quite unintentionally, come within a whisker of me shoving a brick up them sideways. Seriously. Tough love DOES have a place but not for everyone and not all of the time. I am also a quite simple soul and really, I need a BIT more direction than JFDI. JFDI what exactly? Go for a run? Or eat a chocolate eclair? I tend to subscribeomorrowe to the view of "put on (your) big girl pants and deal" or POBGPAD for short. Nowhere near as catchy as JFDI, but it's early days. Could be the new black!
Anyway, this is what I tend to keep in my head when my resolve to go for a walk falters or I just want to fill the bath with chips and gravy and then jump in and swim around in it. POBGPAD. Seriously. And when I look at my old knickers (size 28) those a fairly huge FARKING big girl pants. Not only were they once knickers, they can now also double as an emergency tent or backup parachute. With Big girl pants that huge, there isn't much you can't deal with. Really.

Another shameless spruik for money and support!! Or speak to me, big kahuna!!!

Hi everyone
Well, most of you now have heard me talking about the Kokoda Challenge, which I am doing in July this year and I have promised is to get more info out to you. Soooooooo...

What is it??
It is an endurance bushwalking event. With three  other adventurous souls in my team, I will be walking a 96km course that encompasses more than 5000 metres of elevation and 12 creek crossings through the Gold Coast Hinterland. On average only half of the teams entered make it to the finish line as a complete team, despite this we hope to get there within the 39 hours. It isn’t a relay – we all start together and finish together, unless someone withdraws due to injury or on medical advice. We are one of the 34  “all ladies” teams taking part this year. So far, 358 teams of four have signed up. You can find more info here https://kokodachallenge.com/

Why do it?
Well, those of you who know me well know I just can’t resist a big kahuna of a challenge. So for me it is the challenge of taking on something hard and that will push me so far outside my “comfort zone” I will probably end up a little bit loopy. Also, it raises money for the Kokoda Challenge Youth Program which is a 14 month early intervention program is helping young people from a variety of backgrounds to gain confidence, direction, new friends and the skills to overcome any obstacles that life throws at them. As I am married to a teacher who has dealt with his fair share of “at risk teens”, a program like this can go a long way to getting someone back on track. https://kokodachallenge.com/kokoda-challenge-youth-program

How can you help?
Besides not openly pointing and laughing when you see me in hiking shoes, what helps the most is money. My team need to raise $1500 by mid June. All donations over $2 are fully tax deductible. If a business is interested in making a donation, it is still tax deductible BUT we are also offering to put those who give us donations a “plug” on our team t shirts, plus plastering their names all over our FB page etc. $250 and over will get a business name on the front of the shirt, $100-$249 will get  a business name printed on the sleeve or the back.

How do I make a donation?
You can donate online. This is our team page http://kokodachallenge.com/team-profile/aim-train-lemurs-3200 where you can get info on us and donate. The form that will come up will give you the option of either doing a bank deposit or using a credit card. If you choose to do a bank deposit, PLEASE make sure that you mention our team name “Aim Train lemurs” in the reference line, so the money is put against our fundraising total. Also, send me an email that you have done a deposit this way so I can make sure it gets registered properly. You don’t need to send me bank details, just your account name, the amount you deposited and when.


Lastly, THANKYOU for reading this and please feel free to pass it on to anyone you know who may want to help. This is a great cause and I am really, really excited about doing this challenge.
Em

Judge Dredd or dread judgement?

"put down your weapons and prepare to be judged!!"
Those words rang out from old Sly Stalloe's lips when he played the comic character Judge Dredd in a rather cheesy film of the same name. Possibly he is the only one who was authorised to do this without any input from anyone else.
What relevance does this have in this post? Glad you asked!
I have signed back up for the 12 week body transformation program, run by the trainer Michelle Bridges. This is my second "round" and I was hesitant to sign up for a few reasons. The main one was a fear of being judged (or being judgemental of others) by other participants on the forums. It happened last time and was unpleasant. Even more unpleasant was watching obviously vulnerable people being judged by others online. Online Forums can be a harsh place. Do people need to stop making excuses and accept responsibility for their weight and eating habits? Yep. Does everyone repond well to a kick up the arse, delivered online? Nope. You can come away feeling miserable, bullied and judged. Or you can come away motivated. How does the person delivering this kick know it's the right way to go? They don't. And what is worse it can be catching. You could find yourself reading something, as I did, and agreeing. I am in no better position to judge someone than any other forum member. Doesn't leave you feeling good.
Am I anti 12wbt? Not at all. It's a great program that is really working for me. What I don't like is the judgement I sometimes see being passed. Not just on the forums but also in environments like FB and even around a tea table at work. Am I a judgemental person? Yep. I just try to keep it to myself. I'm not an expert in anything, despite how I like to appear. So I think people should at least think before they judge or pass comment.
And tomorrow I will end world poverty. Or not. But it would be nice.

Mistress Pain, kettlebells and the TRX

So today was absolutely gorgeous here in Canberra. The weather has been outstanding - possibly because Her Majesty and His Royal Highness are in town and even Canberra spring knows when it is licked - so it has meant digging out the sunscreen and water bottle. Found the sunscreen after rummaging around under the sink for 10 minutes. The top had that lovely "crust" that sunscreen bottles get after you haven't used them for a while, but I dealt with this by pointing the nozzle down the sink and applying some pressure. My fingers are stronger than I remember, as the crusty plug shot out of the bottle with some force, bounced off the plug hole and lodged in the window flyscreen. Great look.

Today's session with Mistress Pain hot, sunny and possibly has broken my arse. No kettlebells today (which shocked me. It is one of her favourite torture devices) but lots of step ups, TRX squats and a cardio routine she calls "Malcolm". Not sure why it is called that, as Malcolm is a fairly innocuous sounding name. The exercise is nothing near innocuous. Basically you do a burpee, run 10m, do another burpee, run another 10m, another burpee and then run back to the start line and it goes all over again. For 6 minutes at a time. I was very glad I hadn't had a big lunch, as it would have been putting in a high velocity and possibly chunky reappearance. For a "break" we would do TRX squats. fun. Love you, love your work, mistress pain.

Faster than a speeding freaked out person screaming "aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!"

SO hiya readers!
I bet you thought I'd never come back, eh? Well, I am back now. Am exercising and eating healthily and mentally I am in a place which I would pretty much call my happy place. Something comes along every now and then to shake the crazy tree, but I have a pretty firm grip on the branch I am on right now and if it all gets a bit too much, I just climb up or down, out of the way.

I have officially finished therapy and am now in what is called "maintenance". It was one of those weird feelings of part relief, part sadness when my private braincare specialist finally said one day "I don't think there is anything more we can achieve in our sessions. You are as well as I think I am going to see you". It was strange to hear the words I had been longing for - I was and wasn't ready for them. On an intellectual level I knew I was really doing well but on an emotional level it was kind of like breaking up with your boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he was not my boyfriend, but he had become a constant in my life and suddenly it wasn't going to be there. He actually "weaned" me off being reliant on a shrink, which was weird. I was worried I had become addicted to therapy, but he was confident I could make it. He does this with all of his long term patients so he knows that they are going to be more or less ok on their own. I haven't seen him for 4 months now and have been going really well. Very anxious for the first 3 weeks but now am scooting along very happily on my own.

The good news is that my foot problem also got a firm diagnosis. I had fractured my TMT joint in my left foot and although the bones healed well, the cartilage in the joint was completely rooted. The pain I get now is the result of bone grinding on bone, which tends to tickle a bit. This means no more running or high impact for me, probably EVER. There are plenty of other exercises I can do, so I am concentrating on them. Let's just say kettle bells and push ups have become my friends. Ever since my podiatrist got me into MBT shoes, I am now also able to walk up to around 10km at a time, so the cardio is also going well.

I bet you are wondering about the title of my post. Well, those of you who have read my blog before are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Mt Ainslie. Well now that my foot is better i have started walking up there again and on Monday I got some extra motivation to do it extra fast. A farking great brown snake came out across the path at me and I took off so fast I bet it looked like one of those loony tunes cartoons where the shadow stays in place as the person runs off. I reckon I did a time over 400m that would have made Usain Bolt proud and my feet hit the ground maybe 8 times in that 400m. I also made some high pitched, not-very-brave sounds that got the attention of a few of the other walkers on the mountain. I think I meant to say "gosh, everyone take care, there is a brown snake on the path" It came out sounding like "farking phoooo phaaa snicky snack snack". I'm sure they got the general idea.

Who says motivation can't find you??

The worst 10%

Ok this is a bit heavy and the first thing I want to say is I am a LOT better since I wrote what is about to follow. It was part of my work I was doing with my shrink about changing my perceptions of myself and how I thought of myself. I had an exercise called (surprise) "the worst 10 percent". This is where I had to write down the absolute worst I felt about myself. I have aslo thrown in some of the good stuff, just so people don't think I am about to go an jump off something high. Not the case at all. I am a lot further along than I was - it's just where I was at that time was a bit nasty.

This is a tough one for me and something I have been working on, by myself and with my shrink, for the last 6 months. I have broken it down into "the good and the bad"


The good - I have come to realise that a vice or belief is only as strong as I let it be. God, if it was only the simple, eh? it sounds simple and in a way it is. Finding and then continuing to have the strength, resolve and courage to change and challenge them is what scares the cr*p out of me. Seriously. Bit by bit, day by day and sometimes hour by hour, I have built up my emotional armour so I can fight when I need to, walk away when it's the right thing to do and learn how to shield myself from my own destructive habits. Like the shampoo, doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen. Most of the time. Which is a butt load more often than it used to be. I have also learned that throwing my hands up in the air does not achieve much except making me temporarily taller. Doesn't mean I DON'T do it, but the big change now is that afterwards I go "ok, tantrum over, back to it". Most of the time. I say that a lot these days. And I am slowly becomming ok with it. Instead of I MUST BE AN INSTANT SUCCESS IN EVERYTHING I ATTEMPT, it is ok if what achieve is "most of the time". Negative thinking and talk was one of my big vices and MAN it has been hard to give up. Harder than any food.



The bad - This is a bit ugly and raw around the edges. there is also a bit of swearing. Just letting you know in advance so I don't shock the pants off you or anything. I would fight like a demon for my husband, children and family to protect them but what have I done to protect myself? From the bad thoughts, the self hate, the destructive habits and the emotional pain? I have lashed myself mentally for almost as long as I can remember, hated the way I looked and as a result, fulfilled my own farking fat prophecy. Even when I was slim and healthy (75kg, running every day etc) I HATED myself. TRULY HATED. there were times when I would lie in bed and think I was not worth the oxygen I used. Days where I would lash myself into a state of such strong self loathing I couldn't even walk past glass windows for fear of seeing my disgusting, reviled reflection. It figuratively and literally paralysed me. And where did this hatred come from? NOWHERE. I wish i could tell you i had a crap childhood but I didn't - I had a great childhood, an upbringing anyone would want and I could not find better people than those who are my family and friends. I wish i could tell you I had massive, traumatic events happen to me but I didn't - no more than anyone else has in their life. My life is freaken AWESOME. And guess what? I didn't think I deserved to be happy!! I didn't think I DESERVED health and the benefits of a healthy body. For me food IS NOT reward - it is PUNISHMENT. I stuffed food of all kinds down my throat to punish myself.

Let me try to explain - I have a very dear friend who is a self harmer. By this I mean that at times she will be so overwhelmed by her emotional pain that she will pick up a knife and literally cut herself. This shocked the sh*t out of me and I couldn't understand it. At all. Until about 8 months ago I said something about it to my shrink and he just replied "well, isn't that what you do to your body with food? You tell me you get no real - only fleeting - pleasure from it and all it does is make you feel worse. You are cutting with food". I nearly fell on the floor. And then denied it. It is only recently (last 5 months) that I have come to realise that yep, that's pretty much it. I was self harming with food I had such a low opinion of myself that I was putting food into my body that I knew was all wrong. And why? Because I felt I should PUNISH my body and myself. No good reason. It was just something I did. I say did because I am further along now and most times can resist, but not always. This is what the hatred does - my feelings of self hate were so strong that it ended up manifesting itself in the form of self punishment. Not pretty. And farking hard to deal with. I am making progress but the good news is I have more good days than bad. Food is now something I enjoy and (on the whole) it is much easier to feel positive. Not everyday. But most days. I would say that the times where I find myself literally crouched in a corner, stuffing 2 minute noodles or KFC chips down my throat at a rate that would make a perosn sick and feeling sh*t house are now down to about 3 a month. It used to be 4 days a week, so that is good progress.



in conclusion, the good news is I am a lot better than I was, especially mentally. Giving up my negative thoughts and emotions vices has been tough and doesn't always work. but that's ok. I am the one that gave them power - I can also choose to take that power away.

something old, something new...

So I've been off on a rather rocky journey the last few years. A few things haven't changed but I've got more information :


I am still in therapy and taking anti depressants. My Dr tried to wean me off them twice and let's just say it didn't go well. So long term drugs could be what I am facing, which to be honest is something I don't have too much of a drama with. I've been taking medication for epilepsy since I was 14, so chucking pills down my throat doesn't flip me out all that much.

I have been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) with some indicators showing I have tendencies that pre dispose me to depression and addictive behaviours. This is why alcohol is not a great thing for me - I do tend to self medicate with alcohol when I am not coping but all this does is stuff me up and to be honest, just makes me feel like crap. It also doesn't help me when it comes to weight loss, so it's on the "treat with respect and caution" list.

A few extra things have happened in the past few years and I'll blog about them so you can catch up but let's just say it's been good and bad and a whole pile of more or less normal. I have not lost any more weight but not put too much on (am currently 127kg) and have joined a group on facebook who are really supportive. I did balloon out to 139.9kg last November, which scared the shit out of me and got me moving again, but it's been a slow process. More about that later.

I'd better dash - one of the kids is having a meltdown in the lounge room and it sounds like someone might be about to die. That or a ferret has jammed its tail in a  door.

Back after a few years off

So, after a few years off on some weird kind of fat generating sabbatical, I've decided to return to the crazy tree. I find it a comfort really. I have been blogging somewhere else (I know, I am a blog harlot) but that has finished now and also the tree is so much more comforting. Lots more branches to swing from. Stay tuned - I plan to blog at least once or twice a week
Em

Another challenge

I bet you all thought I'd died or been mistaken for an illegal immigrant and been locked up, didn't you? Nope, just slack and doing nanna type things like going to bed early or had a gutful of computers (I work on them all day) and wanted to do weird, deviant stuff like read a book or (and this will shock some of you who are addicted to myspace or facebook) TALK to my family and friends. You know - face to face. Freaky.

I have also been nursing wounded pride (and toes) after running at high speed into one of our lounge chairs at William's birthday party in January. Did you know that modern lounges have surprisingly solid bases and as you approach 40, your turning ability and reflexes are not what they could be? Came as a shock to me too. So, now that my toes are no longer black and purple (one or two have healed in interesting positions) I am back to running and working a sweat up at the gym. I am also slowly taking off the weight I put on when I hurt my back, so I can now look down and actually see my toes, which is very exciting. I am also working hard on a plan which involves me only having to do 10 hours work a week and still get a good salary, but to be honest, most of those jobs involve painted on latex, spanking and high heels. To be honest, I have enough trouble with sweat pimples in unfortunate areas (be sure you want to know before you ask where) and latex is just not going to help. And my toes are still too sore for super high heels.

So, as I have obviously been off my meds (not really, still on the happy pills), I have signed up for yet another "challenge" at my gym, which starts in a week or so. I have been put into the "echidna" team, which I think means by the end of my first hard training session I will be a grumpy, prickly, odd looking freak who will curl up into a ball at the first sign of my personal trainer. No different to normal, really. It looks a lot like the one I did 2 years ago (you can read it at the start of this blog) but I reckon this time I will post a list of "things you really need to know before you sign up for something like this". Do you think "Run screaming from the building" would put people off?

Heatstoke and other fun stuff

Now that the new year has come and gone, I have joined the many others at the gym and out pounding the pavements, atoning for the multitude of festive season "sins". Still, really, in my book, I would not see champagne and mince pie consumption so much as a sin as essential survival supplies for getting through the enforced cheerfulness that is Christmas. You all know what I mean - the awful feeling you get when you either feel ambivalent or even a bit depressed (for any reason) and everywhere you go you are faced with messages about how FABULOUS Christmas is and how YOU WILL ENJOY YOURSELF. When faced with the Crisco hamper woman on TV, all I want to do is ring up and ask if they do a latex hamper with extra tinsel and paint on body chocolate.

Anyway, back to post silly season exercise. I am back on the wagon again and so far this week have slogged out for lunchtime walks and some fun at the gym (my PT calls it fun, I call it cruel and unusual). Yesterday I discovered that going for a 4-5km walk in 35 degree heat is not always a great idea. Resulted in my needing a lot of water, a jolly good lie down and some panadol. Always a good way to spend an evening. Also good for weight loss - when nauseated from a touch of the sun, you don't feel like eating much. Still, I think tomorrow I'll do my walk in air conditioned comfort. This must be why gyms, fans and the person who brings around nice, chilled towels were invented. Yay.

Lawks a lordie, it's nearly the end of 2008!!

Well, stuff me, that came around farking quick. I can only think of 5 occurrences where blackout from alcohol consumption can account for lost time, so either I have been abducted by aliens or I well and truly lost track of things. Will stick with the aliens theory for now, as it provides some comfort and excuse for not being at all geared up to usher in 2009. It may also mean that I will get a visit from David Duchovny, who I have had a crush on since I saw in in Twin Peaks all those years ago... sigh.

This has been an interesting year, has it not? I'm not sure about those of you out in blog space, but 2008 has had its share of ups and downs for this crazy tree dweller and I find myself sitting on a slightly lower branch than intended when I started out this year, but I haven't completely fallen out out and landed on the ground with a thump, so life is not completely sucky. On the down side (get the shitty stuff over and done with eh?) : have spent a year with my depression seeming to enjoy the odd sojourn back into my life to smack me around the head a bit, steal my handbag and drink my champagne, which tends to leave me feeling a bit down, roughed up and raw around the edges (what girl wouldn't be without her champagne?). I also managed to have a small slip at work, which resulted in two bulging discs in my lumbar spine. To anyone out there who has done a similar thing, you have my complete sympathy. For a slip that did not even result in a fall on my bott bott, I ended up spending June to November in varying amounts of pain and not being able to do much at all for a few months. This put a serious dent in my exercise regime (and sense of humour) and as a result, nearly all of the weight I had lost has crept back on, with the exception of 5 kg. This is a blow, but shit happens and no point in dwelling on it. Does that sound as though I've convinced myself? Hmm, more positive thinking required.

On the plus side, the kids are going great guns at school and childcare, Tim has just finished his 4th year of teaching, we have attended 2 lovely weddings and as I said earlier, I made up for being down in the dumps by having a few great parties and self medicating with champagne cocktails. I know, all of the health freaks out there just had a sharp intake of breath, tut-tutted me and will be sending me links for AA, but if you could save your time and just stuff your well meaning advice, it will save a whole heap of time and grief. Also, a friend of mine is about to have his first book published (GO GARTH!!!!!!!) and I encourage you all to buy it. Will do a separate blog about it later. The other plus is that I made it back to the gym in the last 2 weeks and today was able to complete 60 minutes of "run 1 minute, walk for 3" on the treadmill. It is back to basics, having to retrain my body in all forms of exercise. Also, having the vision of my exercise physiologist standing next to me saying "switch your core ON! BRACE YOUR CORE!!!!!!" means that no matter what I am doing, my core muscles are working their, um, butt off all of the time. This is very tiring - try it sometime.

So, on with 2009 (hee hee - originally left a zero out there). Hope you all have a great evening tomorrow ushering out the old year. I plan to go to bed early and catch up on sleep. Does this mean I have become and old fart and should I list this in the positives or negatives for 2008? Hmm, where's Mulder?

How to burn those extra calories...

Those of you who are regular readers (thankyou!) are well aware that over the years I have struggled with my weight, gone on and off various diets, exercise regimes etc. You also know that I am recovering from a recent back injury, which put a serious dent in my aim to lose weight and run 10km by Christmas. Now, the weight loss is back on track but the 10km run is unlikely to happen, unless there is the promise of something like a free massage once a week for a year, or the kids set fire to the Christmas tree again. Yes, I KNOW it was an accident, guys, but the memory is still pretty fresh. One I will run towards, the other away as quick as my chubby, pink little legs will carry me.

After getting the all clear from the Dr to resume most activities pre back injury (except running, which is off limits until at least early January), I have been out and about walking at lunchtime, bike riding etc. The walks up Mt Ainslie are at a fairly stately pace at the moment, with me not talking much at all on the ascent (hallelujah! It's a miracle!!!) as I am concentrating pretty hard on not having a coronary, but I know it will get easier. Maybe. One day. I am also riding a fair bit on the old stationary bike. First lesson I learned was that I had lost my "bike seat conditioning" or as I like to call them "buttocks callouses". 1st ride was fine until I got off, when I realised that it felt a lot like how someone (say, Julie Bishop's speech writer) who has been booted up the backside for 45 minutes. More imitations of walking like a duck and involuntary noises when lowering oneself onto the toilet.

I have found a great website though, which answers the questions that EVERYONE asks themselves but you never find in the exercise books. It is how many calories you burn during sex - one of my personal favourites is the use of fudge. Oh yeah, and the trapeze one. Get motivated and, um, enjoy!

A great holiday and shy sausage

Tim and I got a chance (thanks to my wonderful parents - mum and dad, you rock!) last weekend to escape with no kids to a lovely area of Australia called Hyams Beach. It was fantastic - a cottage all to ourselves with a great view of the beach, sleeping in both mornings (woo hoo) and just having some of that rare stuff called "time together". The simple joy of having a coffee together where we knew that Cameron would not get Will in a headlock and in the ensuing struggle, knock the table over and send sugar sachets flying out over the cafe patrons like a cluster bomb was quite relaxing. Also, wandering through shops where a number of twee, incredibly breakable and expensive items were arranged at toddle height without the blood pressure steadily rising was also a novel experience.

Other highlights included :

• A mother humpback whale and her calf coming right into the bay. We sat on the beach and watched them for hours - it was just amazing. An added bonus was that the money I was going to spend on a whale watching tour I was able to blow on a pair of cowboy boots. So cool!
• The local high school had a food fair and fete. So loud, great food and the reassurance that all teenagers are just raging bags of hormones, ready to swarm.
• A pizza that had us laughing for most of the weekend. When we picked up our order, the slip came with it. Apparently, we had ordered an aussie pizza with extra "peeperoni". Quite a few conversations ensued about what peeperoni would look like, how it would act and does that count as a special topping. We came to the conclusion it is sausage with a confidence problem. Tasted good though.

Back to school

My daughter is currently very caught up in watching a TV series called "Winx club". From what I can gather, these girls (who look a lot like the Bratz dolls, who are referred to "slutz" dolls by Tim and I) attend some kind of special high school for fairies (which may be more mainstream these days, who knows) where they worry about being able to cast spells, dress fashionably and impress the dumb, token "jock" fairy (who is also a prince, so I am guessing that although he has the IQ of a sequined handbag, the girls think he is quite a catch). Yes, I know it is sad that I have say through a few episodes and absorbed this much, but it means a lot to Grace, so I have decided to turn my thoughts from "someone kill me now" to drawing parallels between what the Winx high school is like and my own days back in the dark ages of puberty.

Now, when I was at Ginninderra High, not too many real princes or princesses were around, but there were plenty who thought they were, or at least thought that the sun shone out of their arse, so that will do for covering the fairy side of things. I have also noticed that, just like high school, there are "good" fairies and "bad" fairies. Just like high school, the bad fairies dress like hookers, wear way too much eye makeup and generally make the "good" fairies life hard - stealing powers, crushing them with magic constriction spells etc. When you think about it, the girls who were the "princesses" at school were also the ones who made life hell for all of the "ordinary" girls by teasing them about their breast size (too big, too small blah blah blah), wore lots of eye makeup, thought that kissing boys was the ultimate to spend high school and wore the most fashionable style dress to the formal (aka prom). The good fairies just struggled on through, trying to cope with the burden of learning and raging hormones (and the bad fairies) and in the end, could not give a rats bum if they wore a dress or jeans to the formal, they were just happy to escape.

So, is this TV show just encouraging the age old stereotypes, which we will never escape, or is it preparing our young girls for the fact that in life, you will have to deal with good and evil fairies? Both concepts are pretty perplexing really and I have no idea. Still, I can comfort myself that at least in my day, the pressure was not on to sprout a pair of wings, turn my head into a talking pumpkin or defeat the powers of evil whilst maintaining good fashion sense and still attracting the prince - or maybe I just wasn't paying attention.I would like to class myself as a "middle of the road" fairy - capacity to do good or evil in more or less equal measures. And I don't talk with a really irritating American accent. That has to put me over with the good guys.